On Failing

picture credit: Hajin Bae

Earlier this week I fell into a hellhole of a sadness, it was dark and empty and small and deep and I couldn't seem to find a way out. I felt like I was slapped with the reality that as much as I have done this year, I have failed in so many ways.

I wanted, targeted, planned, and even boasted about being graduated this April, which means I would have my final test on March, which means I have to finish my thesis on February, in which, I did. But there are revisions from my professor, and every time I turned in my thesis he will give it back with more things to fix. Before I knew it, February passed and I can't get things done by March and I can't graduate with my friends in April.

I kept asking myself what went wrong? I want to blame it on my professor but I don't think I can, all he does was fixing my mistakes, should I blame him for having a standard a little bit too detailed? Should I badmouth him saying he doesn't like me that's why I haven't passed it yet? I can't, I just know that I can't. Should I blame myself for making mistakes? No, I won't. I don't like blaming myself. So no, I don't know.

I applied for a job, and I didn't get it. I was called for an interview, but I just didn't pass the test, for whatever reason. Although honestly I was partially relieved about it, because I still can't imagine myself working in the big city, Jakarta. That place scares the shit out of me no matter how many time I went there. 

Jakarta is like a cold person who doesn't appreciate my ways trying to get to know it better. I don't know, I just can't feel the chemistry, although I come there at least once every year. I might as well choose Singapore or Seoul or even Bangkok or Manila (which I haven't even visited yet) to work over Jakarta. That is how much I am feeling uncomfortable about it. But you see, the bigger the city, the bigger the chance.

And let's not talk about love. I know they said you can't hurry love, love will come when you least expect it,  love is just around the corner, and blah this blah that blah, but really. How can I not expect love? How can I not miss having someone to talk to, to share my feelings with? And the fact that most of my friends are already tying the knots, or will be soon, I am not unhappy for them, of course I am happy about their relationships, but really, I want to be happy for myself too. Is that really a selfish thing to do?

So I was feeling pretty down, here I am, a jobless, boyfriend-less, not graduated yet, 24 year old little lady. And by down I meant down. It felt almost suffocating to think about those things. Why do I fail in so many aspects? Why do I fail at life?

I didn't want to pretend that I was happy, because smiling through the pain doesn't make me feel better. So I just did useless things like going through tumblr and facebook and twitter and just going online, those things usually cheer  me up, but for once it didn't work.

Image Source: Hajin Bae

Until I went to facebook chat and found Hajin Bae, one of my favorite artists from South Korea was online. I found her through tumblr, I simply love her artwork. So I dared myself to talk to her and hey! She replied! I really didn't expect her to reply to me, since we don't know each other personally. Honestly, I'm more like a stalker to her, lol. Because I follow her tumblr and befriend her on facebook and kept liking every picture she uploads (her artworks). So we're practically strangers. 

Of course I didn't tell her my problem, we just chatted a little about art and some art techniques. But that small talk made me want to draw again, and so I did, and as always, drawing helps me a lifting up my moods. It sounds crazy, and I don't think she will believe it, but I am really thankful that she decided to reply to my message and have a nice small chat with me because it helped me a lot.

Image Source: Hajin Bae

I might be failing, and will fail even more in the future, I sure hope not but I guess that's inevitable since that's just how we learn to live life. But I am thankful for strangers love, for the mysterious way love sent to us, when friends fail to cheer me up, there are thousands of strangers out there who actually can help brighten my days.

And I hope, I can be that kind of stranger too to someone.

I know this isn't the cheery post that will lift your mood up, but I want to write this down so one day I can look back and remember there were days where I failed and sad, and if that day come, it means I have conquered the sadness and win the battle.

Image Source: Hajin Bae