The night I cried my heart out

How long has it been since the last time you cried? It’s been long for me (excluding the times I cried for Korean dramas/movies that is) and some nights ago, for the hell of it, I cried out loud.

For no particular reason, or maybe for too many reasons, maybe I’ve kept all the sadness inside and that night was the night for me to let it all out, for whatever reason, I cried the hell out of me.

I cried out loud, and by out loud I meant the whole house could hear me, I didn’t try to stifle the sound, I didn’t try to hide the tears, I cried with my mouth open, I wailed, I threw tantrum, I kicked my imaginary enemy, I cried like a five year old girl who lost her favorite Barbie doll, I cried like some crazy woman.

Guess what? It felt good.

thank you

I miss talking about my life, and my feeling, and my heart… I miss talking about anything really. The latest posts here in this blog feels less-genuine for me I don’t know why. The last post I really liked the feeling was when I talked about the boy I like, in which nothing really happen between us after that. Well, good companion that’s it, I guess.

I know that was just two posts away but heck, it feels like soooo long time ago. I need to find my way back to writing as a healing way instead of just writing because I am feeling guilty for leaving blogsphere for too long. Does other bloggers suffer from this too? Or is it just me? o.O

Anyway, looking at Krissy and Kym’s latest posts makes me kinda want to try talk from my heart again.

So this post is dedicated for everyone I know, I’ve posted it on my tumblr but I guess there will be changes here and there :)

I have friends, I’m in love with them, I am so grateful that I have them around me, I can’t be any luckier, and I know I can’t say thank you enough.

Thank you for being there for me when I am the happiest, happiness feels less happy when not shared, what is in a happiness when you have nobody to share it with? why laugh when you have nobody to laugh together with?

When I am happy, I tend to share, to tell it to the world, but of course the first one I share the happiness with would be my closest friends, sometimes, I keep things for a while because I don’t want to look too crazy, but who am I kidding, my friends know who I am inside and out, less-crazy me? NEVER! :)) we’ve even bathed together, what do I have to hide anymore? LOL

Thank you for being there with me when I am sad, be the ones to hug me, pats me on the back, smack some senses to me, lend me your shoulder to cry on, letting me cry out loud and just bear with it,  or even just stare for afar because you know all too well nothing really make sense to the crying me.

Thank you for letting me be there when you are happy, thank you for sharing the happiness :D thank you for letting me be there when you are sad, although I am not really good on comforting people, thank you for letting me learn from things happened to you, because sometimes when troubles happen to other is when I think the most about the solution.

Thank you for being my anchor because I sway too much, thank you for being there and put colors to my days, thank you for all the lessons, thank you for being the lights when my days got too dark, and for being the shade when my days being all too bright and blinding. Thank you for just being there, thank you for letting me know you and be your friend.

Whenever talking about friends, I got confused as to which ones I actually mean to be the ones I’m talking about, but then I realized that each and everyone I know, including you has taken part in my life, in helping me find me and be me.

I may not know you personally, maybe we have never even met before, maybe we do but never really talk, maybe we’re just friends, maybe we’ve chatted once in awhile but nothing really happen and nothing bonds us, maybe we’re close, maybe you’re my best friend, maybe I just know your story through gossip, or your blog post, or you’re a friend of my friend’s friend, and so on and so forth.

But really thank you, thank you for just being there.

Green with envy, aren't you? :p

I know you all know that everything in Asia is cheaper than in the US or Europe, I've heard gazillion times people saying/writing/blogging about how surprised they are when buying things in Indonesia. I agree that they're right, BUT you gotta be envious of me even more because I'm living in a city where everything is cheaper compared to other big cities here :))

My city, Yogyakarta, is famous as a city of students because 1.) There are like billions universities here (okay, that was me being hyperbolic) and 2.) One of the best (or at least most famous) university is here (mine! YAY!) sooo since there are heaps of students here, the prices gotta be lower (because we, students, LOVE that).

Okay, here are some stuffs I found today when I went shopping. I bet my life you'll all be jealous :))

marching band-themed cardigan

It looks like black and white stripes here, but actually it's dark navy blue (doesn't matter, lol) guess how much did I have to spend for this? Brace your heart, I got it for around $5 great deal, huh?

leather flat shoes

I fell for this baby because it has its vintage-ish look when I put it on my feet, price? $3 (!!!)

white flat rubber shoes

I really didn't plan on buying this, but this baby looks soooo good (and comfy!) on my feet so I couldn't excape the temptation heh-heh :)) anyway when I first saw this pair of shoes they didn't have the price tag on them. Believe me I was as surprised as you are when the clerk told me they're for $2 only!

So... Look, those are some great deals. Of course you can find things in higher price if you want to :)) actually I was just strolling around the street with no intention to buy anything but well... Who can resist the charm? One of the reason why things are so cheap (even for me) are because it's near Ied for muslims, almost like christmas, there are sales everywhere. Those three, I got them for less than $10. Hahah... I'm being so cheap, aren't I?

p.s. Indonesia use Rupiah (IDR), but I converted them to dollar (USD) here so you all can be envious, mwahahahah.. :P

A long Ramble about Process (or something along that line)

One of my favorite things is watching some process happening, like how a catterpillar turns into butterflies, or make over; the stylist does some magic and ta-daah! Here come the cinderella! Or something "before-after"-related :D I love to compare how was it before and how it turned out after. So I love looking back through pages of an old album filled with baby me pictures and just adore myself :))

Anyway, this is going to be the first time I show you the progress of my drawing, starting from sketch to the next step until it finished. Everytime I finished a picture, I can't help to just loving my new baby. It happens every time, every single time. Narcisist much? lol.

If you're my facebook friend then most probably you've seen it before, heheh...

ver. 01 (Sketch)

I've been quite intrigued with fate-themed talk lately. All those soulmates and red-string stuff? Yes, that's what I've been thinking about. So once upon a leisure time, I found my pencil and paper and start to draw. One thing about me and my drawing, once I start to draw, I have to finish it right after. Else it won't ever be finished.

So here it is, a picture quite clear about two fated people.

ver. 02 (vector)

I bet you'll all agree that vector isn't really my thing. It's quite plain and although I've tried to put on more details, still I feel it's missing something. Maybe because it's too digital and not so "handmade". Oh well, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Even so, every time I see a nice-looking vector image I always want to learn how to make one. Haha... Hail to my curiosity!

ver. 03 (finished)

When I started drawing, I already have images in my head of how I want it to be like. I want the guy to walk on a snowy night, I want the girl to sleep soundly in a dim room. However, some things don't turn out as I planned, which is the fun part. You can never guess how it'll turn out.

I'm in love with this picture, like I always do to my other pictures. That's why my twitter bio says "a hopeless romantic who draws magic" about me. Because every time I finished a picture I felt like I've done some magical process ;D (and I thought about changing/erasing the "hopeless" part since it doesn't sound nice to me :P)

Well, I hope you like this artwork as much as I do (it even makes it to be my cellphone wallpaper hahaha...).

to wear the heart upon one's sleeve

How long has it been since the last time I posted here? Three weeks? a month? Time surely flies too fast to my liking. Anyway, how long exactly has it been since the last time I talked about boys? Any boys in my life? I can’t quite remember. Who was the last guy being talked about here? Was it le ex? That would be almost a year ago, seriously?

Okay, so I’m coming back, hopefully for good, and the opening story would be about a boy. Unfortunately, the story isn’t really a pretty one. Well, rest assured,  it’s not about a heartbreak (yet) because basically there’s no heart that’s breaking (yet, and hopefully there won’t be any). But you see… me and this new guy, we didn’t start off really good.

you can’t stick your toes in the water, 

you gotta jump and finally go underwater

Let’s just say that this guy is a friend, whom I wasn’t really close to but got closer as the time being.

It had been long long time since I really got smitten by a guy. I mean, how long has it been since the last time I told you about falling in love? I can’t answer it, I had long forgotten how it felt like. 

So, when there was a single little butterfly doing some somersaults movement in my tummy the moment he asked me out, I was in every kind of shock. I was afraid, but I was happy, I was so excited to the point of being terrified.

Which was not really a good thing.

When I am afraid (or nervous) I tend to do lots of silly things, like thinking that a booze would help me calm down a little bit, which was wrong. So, on our very first date (if you want to call it one) I was half drunk half nervous, not a nice combo. Really.

• I spilled my orange juice all over our table. Twice. (see how nervous I was? I'm not even sure what I was so nervous about)
• I talked half-consciously (blame the beer)
• I made so many silly expressions; like a cutesy one-you know, puppy eyes all night long (ew..).
• and I’m pretty much sure I said and did even more nonsensical things I don’t even want to remember.

Now, that was one of the worst starts I’ve ever made.

But, since I am kinda sure that I like this guy, I decided to follow what my heart says (not like I have any other choice) and wear it upon my sleeve. It doesn’t take a genius to guess about me liking him, and I’m sure he’s not stupid either. So yeah, I like him. Not in love (yet) but I really really like him.

When I think of why I do like him, what I like about him, I cannot quite pinpoint.

If I really have to write something about it, then it would be how he made me an honest girl, a damn honest one. I usually am one who hides disappointment to avoid further problems, it doesn’t occur to me when it’s him-related; when I am disappointed of what he does to me, I’ll say it out loud, when he makes me happy, I’ll make sure he knows, and the fact that I like him, like I’ve said before; is quite obvious for the whole world to know.

and about this fact alone, I am kinda proud of myself and thankful to him.

Does he like me back? I don’t know, most probably he doesn't (since I've done so many icky things a girl could ever do a lifetime only in a night). Am I sad about it? Yes, It's only normal that I do. Can I control this feeling? No, neither I can nor do I want to. Anyway, I couldn't care less about that right now, I am enjoying this “falling in like” time (right, not falling in love because it isn't).

While I know how annoying it is being pestered by someone I don’t really like, I just can’t stop being selfish and continue liking him shamelessly. I might, most probably, ended up in a heartbreak, (which I hope won’t ever happen however miraculously) then again, I will take care of that later when it happens.

Now, I need you to wish the best for me so I won't have to suffer from any heartbreak all over again. No matter how prepared I am, a heartbreak is still a heartbreak and whatever breaks, hurts. Especially when it's a heart.

don’t be careful with me I’m not so delicate I gave you my heart, I know the chance I’m taking 

(Meg & Dia – don’t be careful with me)

pictures from weheartit