to wear the heart upon one's sleeve

How long has it been since the last time I posted here? Three weeks? a month? Time surely flies too fast to my liking. Anyway, how long exactly has it been since the last time I talked about boys? Any boys in my life? I can’t quite remember. Who was the last guy being talked about here? Was it le ex? That would be almost a year ago, seriously?

Okay, so I’m coming back, hopefully for good, and the opening story would be about a boy. Unfortunately, the story isn’t really a pretty one. Well, rest assured,  it’s not about a heartbreak (yet) because basically there’s no heart that’s breaking (yet, and hopefully there won’t be any). But you see… me and this new guy, we didn’t start off really good.

you can’t stick your toes in the water, 

you gotta jump and finally go underwater

Let’s just say that this guy is a friend, whom I wasn’t really close to but got closer as the time being.

It had been long long time since I really got smitten by a guy. I mean, how long has it been since the last time I told you about falling in love? I can’t answer it, I had long forgotten how it felt like. 

So, when there was a single little butterfly doing some somersaults movement in my tummy the moment he asked me out, I was in every kind of shock. I was afraid, but I was happy, I was so excited to the point of being terrified.

Which was not really a good thing.

When I am afraid (or nervous) I tend to do lots of silly things, like thinking that a booze would help me calm down a little bit, which was wrong. So, on our very first date (if you want to call it one) I was half drunk half nervous, not a nice combo. Really.

• I spilled my orange juice all over our table. Twice. (see how nervous I was? I'm not even sure what I was so nervous about)
• I talked half-consciously (blame the beer)
• I made so many silly expressions; like a cutesy one-you know, puppy eyes all night long (ew..).
• and I’m pretty much sure I said and did even more nonsensical things I don’t even want to remember.

Now, that was one of the worst starts I’ve ever made.

But, since I am kinda sure that I like this guy, I decided to follow what my heart says (not like I have any other choice) and wear it upon my sleeve. It doesn’t take a genius to guess about me liking him, and I’m sure he’s not stupid either. So yeah, I like him. Not in love (yet) but I really really like him.

When I think of why I do like him, what I like about him, I cannot quite pinpoint.

If I really have to write something about it, then it would be how he made me an honest girl, a damn honest one. I usually am one who hides disappointment to avoid further problems, it doesn’t occur to me when it’s him-related; when I am disappointed of what he does to me, I’ll say it out loud, when he makes me happy, I’ll make sure he knows, and the fact that I like him, like I’ve said before; is quite obvious for the whole world to know.

and about this fact alone, I am kinda proud of myself and thankful to him.

Does he like me back? I don’t know, most probably he doesn't (since I've done so many icky things a girl could ever do a lifetime only in a night). Am I sad about it? Yes, It's only normal that I do. Can I control this feeling? No, neither I can nor do I want to. Anyway, I couldn't care less about that right now, I am enjoying this “falling in like” time (right, not falling in love because it isn't).

While I know how annoying it is being pestered by someone I don’t really like, I just can’t stop being selfish and continue liking him shamelessly. I might, most probably, ended up in a heartbreak, (which I hope won’t ever happen however miraculously) then again, I will take care of that later when it happens.

Now, I need you to wish the best for me so I won't have to suffer from any heartbreak all over again. No matter how prepared I am, a heartbreak is still a heartbreak and whatever breaks, hurts. Especially when it's a heart.

don’t be careful with me I’m not so delicate I gave you my heart, I know the chance I’m taking 

(Meg & Dia – don’t be careful with me)

pictures from weheartit