Where am I?

In less than 24 hours I will be graduated, a certified MBA completed with the Toga and the graduation ceremony (including waking up super early in the morning to get the make up done). Since this is the second time I graduated, it feels less thrilling. And a bigger responsibility come with this, I'm in yet another life gate and so what's next? 

It certainly feels like a deja vu, I've experienced this two years ago when I got my Bachelor. I'm out of school, and another road called 'REAL LIFE' is spread out wide in front of me, with so many options with the responsibilities and risks; and most importantly, no U-turn, no coming back.

Which is hella scary.

Sometime this morning when my mom was reading the invitation for the Gala dinner she said "so it's time for you to start looking for a job" and I can't agree more, but what I had in mind was "Oh, but I've bought a ticket to Korea instead."

Is this a bad thing? I certainly don't think so, I might be wrong but this is what I believe; I'm living my life, while I'm still young and have lots of free time. I need to enjoy life before I start my career (more likely, my 9-5 life). That's my argument, but of course I can see my mom opposing to it, probably thinking I'm wasting my time (well I might be), but I hope to find more than just the pleasure of vacationing, I wish to discover more of myself.

I'm a serious contradiction of myself, I'm both this and that, I know everyone feels so about themselves too. In my case, I'm so contradicted that I confuse myself. It somehow feels like I'm not doing a good job of being me. 

Everyone knows me as the cute girl next door, a girl with a bright smile and positive thoughts, which I actually am. But I feel them cringing when discovering about the other side of me, the one that actually pretty naughty and wild, and because of that, I restrain from doing so, but that makes me feel bad about myself and makes me want to run away and disappear.

What's with all the social pressure that I have to get a job and get married after I finish school? Sure I want to do that, but there's something bugging me. Am I getting a job and getting married because other people do so? Am I getting a job because I need money? Or am I getting a job to prove that I am capable of something? Am I getting a job to use my full potential to earn for living? Am I getting married to show people that I, too, can find a guy and be loved? Am I getting married so I can have a huge party? Am I getting married because I'm in love? And what is love indeed? There are so many reasons, and some of them aren't supposed to be reasons of getting a job and married. 

It's not like I don't need money, or don't want to get married, because I do! I certainly do! The shopaholic here is in constant need of money to buy all the make up and new clothes and shoes and even tickets. The helpless romantic in me is dying to wear a wedding dress and staring at the eyes of the one I love while saying the vow to last forever and actually doing what I've promised to do (to last forever).

But I need to sort things out first, finding answers to my own questions, starting with myself, which is a messy question mark.

To be very honest, this is the first time in a long time I wrote my internal thoughts, I used to do this in the past, but I guess I'm afraid people will see me as someone bitter when they used to think I'm a sweet one; while in fact I am both. Holy crap I start to think I've been living a lie and a facade. Thank goodness for this blog that I got to write a diary and let people see that, it makes me feel better.

You may or may not agree with me and my thoughts, so you're all welcome to give me your 2 cents (or more!)

“The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.”

—	Gustave Flaubert.